– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
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The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
notice
this is the best interaction on twitter
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.