I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
You Might Also Like
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
Cinematography is my passion
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.