Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
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Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
So that’s what we looked like?
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
I feel this so hard
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad