Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
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[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
Why I divorced her.
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier