[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
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What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.