before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
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I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.