hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
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Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Only Americans understand
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.