Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
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GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
CUTE CAT‼︎
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill