it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
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[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
What
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few