I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
You Might Also Like
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the 拢67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
There is no “we” in chocolate.
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
[dinner at my parents鈥橾
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they鈥檙e not your parents weirdo
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 馃き
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don鈥檛 shut up I鈥檒l turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.