By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
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Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
TEETH IS INNOCENT
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”