[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
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I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
Get in loser we’re going crying
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.