What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
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Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it