Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
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ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
i wish i could marry a nap
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?