I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
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I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..