I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
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You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
My biological clock is wheezing.
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
Always a metermaid never a meter
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?