Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
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computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT