My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
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me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
hey, alexa
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.