Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
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Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems