“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
You Might Also Like
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.