me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
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All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.