“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
You Might Also Like
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
I wanna be friends with this person
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
I know a bad idea when I see one.
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”