my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
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You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*