*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
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Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*