After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
You Might Also Like
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
ok hear me out: Luigiana
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
why no one uses midhusbands
wow