My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
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the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.