Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
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Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.