Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
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Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions