On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
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Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.