Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
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Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.