I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
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My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
stand with me against insufficient seating
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
Holy crap this is wonderful