“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
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I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
A small tragedy.
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
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This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.