My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
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mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
Please do it!
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
i would wish you the best but i am the best
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for