I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
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Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
A woman drives into a bar.
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
This why you should mind your business
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand