Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
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My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
she has a point
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.