When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
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doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
No. YOU-buprofen.
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
these two trucks have the same bed length
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office