back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
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*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
Bond. Trauma bond.
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
A moth flies into your face out of nowhere. You could ask him why he does that, but what would you do with the information?