guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
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me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man