Lmfao
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All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
Give a baker flours on your first date.
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.