When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
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[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
#damn
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk