Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
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what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.