[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
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Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.