date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
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My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*