If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
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Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
My circle of trust is a meatball