With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
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Justify your alcoholism by having children.
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
Can’t. About to go please some beans
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…