Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
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You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
Raisins are grape jerky.
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
May your day taste like creamy soup.
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
WHY?!
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what