Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
You Might Also Like
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
Get in loser we’re going crying
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.