my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
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I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
Well, this certainly took a turn
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.