I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
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Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
i need to stop taking melatonin before bed because it is giving me fever dreams. last night i dreamed i made a billboard #1 hit single and the only lyric i can still remember is “smokin on that shit that made gumby pregnant”
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
how much for the angry fruit?