Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
You Might Also Like
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.